#youknowme

You know me. In the summer of 2012, I had an abortion. My story is pretty typical. When I got pregnant I was only 19 years old, living in my parent's basement, in an unhealthy relationship, and for a multitude of reasons I was feeling broken down by life. I was not ready for or wanting a child.

My boyfriend and I weren't consistently using any form of birth control and I thought a combination of natural flow methods and using Plan B periodically was enough to avoid a pregnancy. I did this not for any legitimate ideological reasons but because I was honestly too scared to seek out any formal form of birth control for myself and my boyfriend complained when I asked him to use condoms. I realize now that this lack of support in my sexual health was not at all uncommon and is an issue that too often plagues the lives of young girls all over the world.

I never took a pregnancy test. After a week and a half went by and my period still hadn’t come, I knew what this meant. I sat in my room for over an hour staring at my computer screen, trying to work up the courage to make that phone call. I felt trapped and with only one way out. One phone call, one appointment, and three pills later, and I was free. I do not regret it.

For me, there was never a choice. I never even considered an alternate solution. I didn't discuss it with anyone, not my boyfriend, not my parents, my sister, or my friends. I was afraid that my courage to take this action for myself could have faltered if I shared this truth with anyone else. I was afraid that by sharing what I knew was best for myself, my thoughts might have been lessened by the opinions of others. I kept it a secret.

I knew that to have this child would have meant destroying myself and whatever future I could have. I knew it meant being trapped in a relationship, trapped in a basement, trapped without anything of my own. This pregnancy, this thing growing inside of me never felt like it was mine. It never felt like my child, my baby. This thing growing inside of me felt like a threat. A problem to be solved. I never questioned these actions that I took. The decision to get an abortion was an act of self-preservation. It felt instinctual, an automatic reaction to an incoming threat. Like a car hurtling towards me, I could use legs to jump out of its way but I was lucky to have those legs. I was so extremely lucky to have the ability to move my legs.

If I had gone through with my pregnancy, I would have a 7-year-old child today. I think about this every day. Not in mourning of the child I lost but in remembrance of the life I gained. This second chance I was able to give myself has been my greatest privilege. I only hope that by sharing my experience I can help to remove the stigma surrounding the sexual rights of a woman and her right to choose what happens to her body.